While discussing the right to run wild on sugar, Princess Cinnamon and Madison Hayes accidentally expose a voluptuous secret.
So my boyfriend Zack’s mom is a total Smother who totally freaks over the dumbest things. Last Thursday I went to school and then worked a couple hours at Forever 21 and then started studying for my Trig test and then took a break and went to his house, and on the way there I bought myself an energy drink and a couple Krispy Kremes so I wouldn’t like pass out on his couch but then the Smother made me so uncomfortable that I couldn’t relax anyway.
It straight up sucked. I had one puny Monster that I poured into a real glass, like one really made of glass, and I ate two Frosted Flake donuts on a real plate with a real napkin and I was totally chewing with my mouth closed. Legit manners. But the Smother stared at me the whole time with this disgusted look on her face like I lit up a blunt at her table or something.
Then Zack decided he needed to borrow my Chem book because he forgot his at school so we were about to go to my house and his mom snatched my keys away and wouldn’t give them back. She said I was in no condition to drive, that I was high on sugar and caffeine. What if you speed through a guardrail and kill my Zacky? she said. What if you sneak Zacky into 7-11 and get him hooked on your teen crack?
Zack didn’t say crap to defend me. He just climbed into the beyotch’s Volvo all quiet-like so she could drive us to my house for the stupid book. I really like Zack and I already bought my homecoming dress so how can I get the Smother to slow her helicopter blades so I don’t have to dump him?
Signed, Wired in Washington
You can’t. I see this with my students and their parents all the time. If I had to guess, the Smother’s been this way since Zack was born.
But donuts and a Monster? Really? Have you thought about maybe showing up with a bottle of green tea and a banana?
Getting a little judgey there, Madison. Besides, the Smother’s already formed her opinion of Wired.
Opinions can be changed, just like lifestyles. Trust me, Wired, you’ll have better luck with the Smother—and have more sustained energy—if you ditch the donuts.
Forget the snacks for a moment and look at the bigger picture. Wired has a job. She’s in upper-level math. She made studying a priority, and she wanted to make sure she and Zack both got their homework done. He could do a lot worse when it comes to a girlfriend.
Valid point, but Wired could still make the Smother feel better. She should try showing up with an organic smoothie and turkey jerky.
So you want Wired to pretend she’s something she’s not in order to get in the Smother’s good graces?
Of course. That’s how families work. My Catholic mother-in-law thinks Nathan and I quit having sex after the kids were born.
Seriously? Nathan? The guy who wore my bra on his head during his brother’s bachelor party? The guy who bought five lap dances, four of them for himself?
You sure you got the right Nathan? I distinctly remember him saying the guys were all meeting at the Cheesecake Factory.
Well, that explains the blob of strawberry sauce on the groom’s t-shirt—it covered the X in Sexy Stephen Wants Beer and Boobies.
Dammit…my husband…your bra…he saw your…
Everyone’s seen me topless, Madison. You know how many awkward parent-teacher conferences I’ve had?
Then why even work at the Hot Potato?
It’s the fastest way to pay off my student loans.
But your parents are royalty. They’re rich.
And I’m renounced. Speaking of parents, the Smother isn’t going to change, Wired. You’ll either have to break up with Zack or deal with his mom the way she is. At least until he moves out on his own.
Or you could just change your lifestyle and eat a vegetable.
Or eat your junk food in your car.
You’re killing me, Cinnamon.
Just keeping it real.
I need an extra green smoothie. So I don’t kill Nathan when he gets home.