Madison Hayes and Skip McCaulkener decide the best way to catch a hairy Italian.
Dear Fake Life Coaches,
I’m in love with Vince, the loudest, most beautiful guy on campus. He’s a five-foot-six, two-hundred-fifty-pound hunk of Italian fun. Vince is always in a crowd, always laughing, and did I mention he’s beautiful? His eyelashes are like hairy butterflies and his manly shoulders are like furry sides of beef. I get embarrassed when I see him because all I can think about is crawling all over him like a chimpanzee.
But more than anything, I’m terrified. I’ve never had a boyfriend before. I avoid parties and loud places and people in general. They’re just so overwhelming and the anxiety makes my chest hurt.
Vince has given me a new kind of hurt. I ache to be smashed against his hairy body where I can stare into his big brown butterfly eyes and love him forever. How do I get rid of my fear and get him to notice me?
Signed, Lovestruck in Louisville
Oh honey bunny, you need to chill.
Hardly. Lovestruck needs to focus that energy on some quality body smashing. The ache is there, baby.
Vince may be loud, but coming at him hard and fast like a hyper chimp isn’t going to lead to quality anything.
Are you kidding me? Who doesn’t like it hard and fast?
The entire female population.
That can’t be right. After settling a major slip-n-fall case last year for considerably less than I’d planned, I cheered myself up by unwinding with my girl, hard and fast, and got zero complaints.
Did money change hands? Between you and your girl?
First up, Lovestruck, I’d recommend getting your anxiety under control so you can handle being in Vince’s orbit. Maybe talk out your fears with someone in the counseling office on campus.
Better yet, try hot yoga. Breathing and stretching and sweating and downward dogs. Good gavels, do I love a sweaty downward dog. Guaranteed, Vince will wanna smash you so hard.
A yoga class without Vince is a fine idea. And if your doctor approves, you could also add a few drops of CBD to your favorite beverage, or get yourself a little Granddaddy Purple.
Granddaddy Purple? Is he bruised and injured? Does he need the law offices of Kanai, Berry, McCaulkener, and Howe? Because this fine daddy needs neon underglow on his Geo.
I grow my own organic Purple in my custom she-shed. Wine rack and fridge on one side, leafy goodness under fluorescents on the other. My attached deck even has lounge chairs that face the playset. Great for chilling with my PTA posse after rushing the kids from one activity to another.
Did you say posse or pu—
ANYWAY, once you lower your anxiety enough to approach Vince, spend a little peripheral time near him and his crowd. Try to make casual eye contact, smile, chuckle at one of his jokes...
Drop into downward dog.
No, don’t do that, but definitely eavesdrop to learn what you might have in common with him. See if you find yourself attracted to Vince’s personality and mind. If you love only his beefy good looks, he’s not worth your time.
Nah. Stick with the beef.
Can’t spend forever with a mismatch, Skip.
Can’t screw a farmer without the beefsteak, Madison.
Huh? What does that even mean?
Ugh. I need a Granddaddy Gummy.