Freeda Powers and Carlos de la Muerte debate whether to console a soul or burn a house to the ground.

 

 

Dear Fake Life Coaches,

My sister Melanie saved thousands on a fantastic mountain house a few years ago in exchange for a creepy stipulation. She has to keep an 8-foot-tall statue of the previous owner’s matriarch, Mistress Hilda, standing next to the fireplace. Fine, whatever, go eccentric, no biggie, right?

Wrong! This is no normal statue. It’s like a mood ring that changes temperature and color without even being touched. And sometimes OMG, it smells like rotten eggs. Worse, the eyes follow your every move. Seriously, it feels like Hilda is right there and she can see deep into your soul. I swear I’ve heard her whisper something about ice or mice or dice.

Anyways, I tried putting my ski goggles over the statue’s eyes and duct taping her mouth, but an hour later the tape was melted and both lenses were cracked. Melanie blamed our hyper nephew. I say it was Evil Hilda. How do I convince my sister to say screw the stipulation and get rid of the statue?

 

Signed, Haunted Vacationer

 

Carlos

This is bad. Very, very bad. You must nail the doors shut and burn down the house or thirteen years of bad luck will befall everyone who has ever been inside.

 

Freeda

Settle down, babe. Sounds like Mistress Hilda is just unhappy by the fireplace. Haunted and Melanie should build an outdoor garden shrine for her. You know, a place more fitting to her bold personality? Ow, hey, Carlos, what are you doing?

 

 

 

Carlos

Rubbing us with down with my granite Virgen de Guadalupe figurine. Hold still.

 

Freeda

Right. Don’t forget my armpits…and behind the knees... Thanks, babe. Back to your problem, Haunted. First, stage an offering and cleanse the air with a smudging. You’ll need a brass bell, a clay plate, a bundle of white prairie sage, and an uncooked egg.

 

 

 

Carlos

Aha, the egg! Good thinking!

 

Freeda

Open every door and window, then circle Hilda and gently ring the bell to awaken mmffpth, mmfff, Carlos, what the—

 

 

 

Carlos

I’m purifying your lips with the egg. We cannot have evil spirits sneaking into your mouth while you speak of the dead.

 

Freeda

But you already mmffpth, mmfff, rubbed me down.

 

 

 

Carlos

There, all finished. I will now twirl around you seven times, clap loudly, and roll the egg down your spine. Here, hold my granite Virgen.

 

Freeda

Okaaaay. Haunted, once you’ve awakened Mistress Hilda’s energy, place the bell and trinkets at her feet, then offer her a respectful gift.

 

 

 

Carlos

(crunch) Aw, que pena. Clapped too hard. Be right back.

 

Freeda

Hilda strikes me as a garnet pendant kind of girl. No need to go fancy with a gold or silver chain. Twine dipped in purified spring water will do.

 

 

 

Carlos

I heard that. Take no chances, Haunted. Saturate it with holy water and make the sign of the cross over it three times.

 

Freeda

Either water is fine, but you’ll want to tie the pendant around Hilda’s neck while softly humming Ice Ice Baby to validate her feelings.

 

 

 

Carlos

No mi amor, not Vanilla Ice. Cold As Ice by Foreigner. The lyrics fit the dead. Sacrifice…pay the price…

 

Freeda

Oh my stars, you’re right. Continue humming Foreigner while you light the sage and swish the smoke against your chests. Don’t be alarmed if woooo, babe, that’s cold. Can’t you roll it outside my shirt?

 

 

 

Carlos

No, I must keep the egg close to your soul while you speak.

 

Freeda

Like I was saying, Haunted, don’t be alarmed if you get a mild contact high. This will only enhance your connection to the other side.

 

 

 

Carlos

No! No connection! Run away from the light! Dunk yourselves in holy water!

 

Freeda

They’re not jumping sides, babe—just creating a tiny connection.

 

 

 

Carlos

Dunk yourselves!

 

Freeda

How about a light sprinkling?

 

 

 

Carlos

A generous sprinkling. Nothing less.

 

Freeda

Honestly, Carlos…

 

 

 

Carlos

What?

 

Freeda

Carefully transfer Hilda’s statue to an area with a beautiful view. Surround her with fragrant herbs and bright flowers, maybe even a bird bath. Once settled, Hilda should feel loved and respected enough to leave everyone alone.

 

 

 

Carlos

If not, hire my cousin Father Miguel de la Muerte to do an exorcism. And burn down that house.